Masala Impossible

I know Im terribly late (by atleast 5 months) on this post, for I had been held up with my 6^th semester and had completely forgot about this. I became a fan of Tom Cruise after watching the Mission Impossible series. The thrill that his recent movie “Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol” provided spurred me to think of a masala story for Mr. Cruise, Kollywood ishtyle. By the way, indha kadhaiyil varum anaithu kadhaapaathirangalum karpanaiye.

Introduction scene:

The marriage festival of a poor farmer’s daughter in a village near Madurai. All is well until the farmer father is beaten up and pushed outside his own house by the villain Rasu’s (Ralph Fiennes) sidekicks. Apparently he owes a lot of money in kandhuvaddi and has crossed the due date. He is tied to the Tata Sumo and dragged through the town in order to show the people what happens to those who don’t pay back the money on time. The scene ends with the bridegroom shouting over her dead father’s body “Aiyo, indha aniyaayatha kaekka inga yaarume illaya?”

Chennai. A college’s farewell day celebration. A student was complaining on how he hadn’t studied for an exam in the last semester. Suddenly, out of nowhere, our hero Dhamu (Tom Cruise) jumps out and starts singing a motivational introduction song on how to learn with passion, choosing the right career path, and not to go behind success but make it follow you (while he himself had mugged up the entire syllabus sitting in the toilet on the night before exams).

Towards the end of the song, Dhamu receives a voice SMS from an unknown number asking him to read the message in private. The voice SMS gives all the necessary details (which is muffled over a serious BGM with the camera revolving around the face of Tom Cruise)

Voice on the SMS: “Mr. Dhamu, your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves finding one Mr.Rasu in Madurai and destroying his empire. Should you be caught or killed, the Secretary of IMF (Injampalayam Murattu Force) will disavow any knowledge of your actions.”

Dhamu: “Kanna, kaatha kaiyila pudikka mudiyaadhu. Naan puyal da!”

The movie is full of such witty, punchy, completely out of the context repaartees.

Other ‘necessary’ scenes:

The hero returns to his hometown in Madurai which for obvious reasons also houses the Villain’s lair. In the railway station, he accidently bumps, falls on the heroine and does angapradakshanam with her all over the platform (captured in slow motion, with a BGM of ‘love at first sight’ lyrics). Then there is this friend’s marriage function where they meet and roll again. And there is the accident, of the hero’s Yamaha and the heroine’s Scooty in which they roll again and it inevitably ends in the kiss. Even before applying tincture to their wounds, they fly to foreign locations and sing a duet praising the power of love (wearing tight jeans in the Sahara and sleeveless shirts in Antartica). Eventually, the hero finds out that she is his mama-ponnu Alli (Halle Berry).

Now Alli’s father also is indebted to Rasu. He makes a deal that if he cannot repay his debt, he would give Alli’s hand in marriage to Rasu. Dhamu understands that half the village is in debt to Rasu and all their legal papers are in Rasu’s custody.

With careful planning, Dhamu and his friends find the old trunk petti (maximum security storage area) in Rasu’s home paran (attic) where the legal papers are kept. Dhamu removes the odu (thatch), hangs upside down from the ceiling, retrieves the documents and distributes it to the villagers. Dhamu is made the village panchayat thalaivar.

Climax:

Rasu invites Dhamu to a 5 star buffet of meen kuzhambu on the 123^rd floor of the Burj Khalifa to commemorate Dhamu’s victory in the panchayat election. It is here that Rasu reveals his ulterior motive. Having trapped all the villagers in the Sun network’s office in Mumbai, he had planned to kill them by launching a nuclear missile on them from the remote (with big green and red buttons for starting and stopping the timer) in his hands. He also reveals his cunning by having Alli and her father imprisoned on the 110^th floor. Dhamu, half dying, has to now decide between his future family and common people (The original MI theme with slowly rising kuthu beats indicating the steady rise of anger in Dhamu which apparently seems to nullify the effect of the poison).

In a flash of a second, he throws the meen kuzhambu on Rasu’s face, dodges a 1000 bullets from his faithful sidekicks in Matrix style, removes his silver araignankodi, ties it to the window sill and rappels down to the 110^th floor of the Burj Khalifa and rescues Alli and her father in Batman style. He again rappels up to the 123^rd floor. Meanwhile, an enraged Rasu cleans his face off meen kuzhambu and reaches for the remote only to be kicked by Dhamu. In the ensuing fight, both of them fall off the window and land on the ground safely using their pattapatti underwear as parachutes. Dhamu reflects a bullet in mid-air and it hits the big red button on the remote. They continue their fight on the ground and villain Rasu is now losing. When Dhamu gets ready to strike the final blow, he finds Rasu’s widowed mom at his feet begging for mercy on her son’s life. Dhamu lets him free not before shouting the dialogue

“Inga thaanda iruppaen.. Indha mannula thaanda iruppaen.. Mudinja vandhu modhi paaruda..”

Dhamu and Alli walk along the shore of a beach. Subam.

A film by Brady Raja.