The sad funny Viva poem.

      Viva voce - Engineer's arch nemesis since time immemorial. That too, when you are in the final year of your Engineering degree, you are suddenly surrounded by shitload of stuff and everything seems to have an viva component to it. Project review vivas, lab exam vivas and to top it all, our department seems to have a funny way to subsidize our internal marks by having vivas as a part of the missed periodical. Scared to my very bones, I was up till 3 the night before the missed periodical. In a half asleep state, I was unable to continue studying and ended up writing the following poem. What started out as an funny poem involving myself asking a series of questions to an entity called 'Viva', ended up having a sad undertone. I am publishing this poem to empathise with the engineers out there, scared or fed up with viva. 'I know that feel, Bro.' 

Here it goes..

வினாக்கணைகளை தொடுத்தாயே வைவா 

விடை  இன்னும் தோன்றவில்லையே வைவா

One கேள்வி கேட்டாலே வைவா 

ஒரு மணிநேரம் ஆகுமே வைவா 

'N' கேள்வி கேட்டாயே வைவா 

என்செய்வேன் என் தலைவா 

மூன்று திசையிலிருந்து வந்த கேள்விகளை வைவா 

முடிந்தவரை தாக்குபிடித்தேன் வைவா 

மூச்சுத்திணற வைத்தாலும் வைவா 

'Long live' என்ற அர்த்தம்* கொண்டாயே வைவா

Mark வரவில்லை என்றால் வைவா 

மதிக்க மாட்டார்களே வைவா 

மாதாவின் பார்வைக்கு வந்தால் வைவா 

மானம் போக வைவாளே வைவா 

"எனதருமை தவப்புதல்வா 

என் மனநாட்டு முதல்வா"

என்று ஐயன் கொஞ்சுவாரே வைவா 

அது அடியோடு நின்றுபோகும் வைவா 

வையத்துள் வாழ்வாங்கு வாழ்ந்தேனே வைவா 

வானுறை தெய்வத்துள் வைத்துவிடுவாயோ வைவா?

*In Italian 

Masala Impossible

I know Im terribly late (by atleast 5 months) on this post, for I had been held up with my 6^th semester and had completely forgot about this. I became a fan of Tom Cruise after watching the Mission Impossible series. The thrill that his recent movie “Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol” provided spurred me to think of a masala story for Mr. Cruise, Kollywood ishtyle. By the way, indha kadhaiyil varum anaithu kadhaapaathirangalum karpanaiye.

Introduction scene:

The marriage festival of a poor farmer’s daughter in a village near Madurai. All is well until the farmer father is beaten up and pushed outside his own house by the villain Rasu’s (Ralph Fiennes) sidekicks. Apparently he owes a lot of money in kandhuvaddi and has crossed the due date. He is tied to the Tata Sumo and dragged through the town in order to show the people what happens to those who don’t pay back the money on time. The scene ends with the bridegroom shouting over her dead father’s body “Aiyo, indha aniyaayatha kaekka inga yaarume illaya?”

Chennai. A college’s farewell day celebration. A student was complaining on how he hadn’t studied for an exam in the last semester. Suddenly, out of nowhere, our hero Dhamu (Tom Cruise) jumps out and starts singing a motivational introduction song on how to learn with passion, choosing the right career path, and not to go behind success but make it follow you (while he himself had mugged up the entire syllabus sitting in the toilet on the night before exams).

Towards the end of the song, Dhamu receives a voice SMS from an unknown number asking him to read the message in private. The voice SMS gives all the necessary details (which is muffled over a serious BGM with the camera revolving around the face of Tom Cruise)

Voice on the SMS: “Mr. Dhamu, your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves finding one Mr.Rasu in Madurai and destroying his empire. Should you be caught or killed, the Secretary of IMF (Injampalayam Murattu Force) will disavow any knowledge of your actions.”

Dhamu: “Kanna, kaatha kaiyila pudikka mudiyaadhu. Naan puyal da!”

The movie is full of such witty, punchy, completely out of the context repaartees.

Other ‘necessary’ scenes:

The hero returns to his hometown in Madurai which for obvious reasons also houses the Villain’s lair. In the railway station, he accidently bumps, falls on the heroine and does angapradakshanam with her all over the platform (captured in slow motion, with a BGM of ‘love at first sight’ lyrics). Then there is this friend’s marriage function where they meet and roll again. And there is the accident, of the hero’s Yamaha and the heroine’s Scooty in which they roll again and it inevitably ends in the kiss. Even before applying tincture to their wounds, they fly to foreign locations and sing a duet praising the power of love (wearing tight jeans in the Sahara and sleeveless shirts in Antartica). Eventually, the hero finds out that she is his mama-ponnu Alli (Halle Berry).

Now Alli’s father also is indebted to Rasu. He makes a deal that if he cannot repay his debt, he would give Alli’s hand in marriage to Rasu. Dhamu understands that half the village is in debt to Rasu and all their legal papers are in Rasu’s custody.

With careful planning, Dhamu and his friends find the old trunk petti (maximum security storage area) in Rasu’s home paran (attic) where the legal papers are kept. Dhamu removes the odu (thatch), hangs upside down from the ceiling, retrieves the documents and distributes it to the villagers. Dhamu is made the village panchayat thalaivar.

Climax:

Rasu invites Dhamu to a 5 star buffet of meen kuzhambu on the 123^rd floor of the Burj Khalifa to commemorate Dhamu’s victory in the panchayat election. It is here that Rasu reveals his ulterior motive. Having trapped all the villagers in the Sun network’s office in Mumbai, he had planned to kill them by launching a nuclear missile on them from the remote (with big green and red buttons for starting and stopping the timer) in his hands. He also reveals his cunning by having Alli and her father imprisoned on the 110^th floor. Dhamu, half dying, has to now decide between his future family and common people (The original MI theme with slowly rising kuthu beats indicating the steady rise of anger in Dhamu which apparently seems to nullify the effect of the poison).

In a flash of a second, he throws the meen kuzhambu on Rasu’s face, dodges a 1000 bullets from his faithful sidekicks in Matrix style, removes his silver araignankodi, ties it to the window sill and rappels down to the 110^th floor of the Burj Khalifa and rescues Alli and her father in Batman style. He again rappels up to the 123^rd floor. Meanwhile, an enraged Rasu cleans his face off meen kuzhambu and reaches for the remote only to be kicked by Dhamu. In the ensuing fight, both of them fall off the window and land on the ground safely using their pattapatti underwear as parachutes. Dhamu reflects a bullet in mid-air and it hits the big red button on the remote. They continue their fight on the ground and villain Rasu is now losing. When Dhamu gets ready to strike the final blow, he finds Rasu’s widowed mom at his feet begging for mercy on her son’s life. Dhamu lets him free not before shouting the dialogue

“Inga thaanda iruppaen.. Indha mannula thaanda iruppaen.. Mudinja vandhu modhi paaruda..”

Dhamu and Alli walk along the shore of a beach. Subam.

A film by Brady Raja.

   

The curious case of a Paatti getting trolled.

On the outset, Long distance trains are kinda cool. I had thought so, probably because

1. Other than the start and end point, most of the stations in between are reached at an unearthly hour.

2. Which implies, people do not pay much attention to these trains and it is easier to reserve a ticket.

I had lost all my hope on booking a ticket on the major trains from Coimbatore to Chennai when I managed to reserve not a seat but a berth on the Raptisagar express, which starts from Trivandrum in the south and ends at Gorakhpur in the north. A god given gift, I had thought. I was wrong, as usual.

--------------------------------------X-------------------------------------

“Paathu poittu vaango, athae. Seshadriya ungala Chennai station la pick up panna solraen. Vish, paatti kitta saettai panninde irukkaadhe..”

I had been sleeping on the upper berth, dreaming that my empty compartment would be filled by girls (particularly in the age bracket 16 – 21), only to be rudely awakened by the gruff voice of an elderly woman.

“Kavala padaathe ma. I will take care. Rendu pullaya valathuttaen.. Ivana naan paathukkaraen. Nee marakkaama Chechu kku phone panni station kku vara sollidu..”

I knew I had made a mistake not performing my usual pre-journey ritual of mugging up the limited Jaadhagam of my co passengers from the reservation chart.

I was lying there facing the wall while my mind drew a mental image of the voice. Large pottu, hair silver-dyed by age, gold frame spectacles, a thick silk saree over a thick layer of fat – ‘Naduthara vayadhu brahmana penmani' – as Kamalhassan would put it in ‘Avvai Shanmugi’. I looked down to see a 90% match of the above stereotypes. Close enough.

On the other upper berth was a typical north Indian cheap labourer, easily spotted by their shabby clothes and paan filled mouth. He was mostly sleeping throughout the entire journey on a cloth wrapped package the size of a mini UFO saucer. Within the next one hour, the compartment filled up, with two more elderly paattis and two Keralite men taking up my seat. I wouldn’t mind them as long as my berth is not compromised too.

“Bathroom enna ippadi narradhu. Chae, Veli naadula ellaam evlo cleanliness maintain pannuva theriyuma..”  the naduthara vayadhu brahmana penmani (nvbp) proclaimed. Other than the two other paattis, nobody seemed to care. Mr.Hindikaarar on the other upper berth even (knowingly or unknowingly) yawned to the comment and turned to face the wall and continue his slumber. The three paattis struck a conversation which started with ‘politics in Indian railways and how it has affected the S8 compartment toilet’ and ended with the nvbp bragging about her sons working in the Saudi and their handsome salaries. Kekhraan Mekhraan thaane? Naanum kaelvi pattirukkaen.

The time was 5:00 in the evening when I ordered tea from the pantry vendors. I decided to check my texts before delving into the pleasures of IRCTC’s cardamom tea. One of the two keralites was playing with the 6 months old granddaughter of one of the paattis. He was throwing her up like a rocket and catching her while I was sitting with my legs wide apart and feet on the other upper berth near Mr.Hindikaarar. That little devil, during her entry into the earth’s atmosphere, knocked my hot cup of tea and it spilled all over those who were sitting beneath my berth. Nvbp looked up, saw my legs that were apart and the tea that was dripping, and remarked in a quirky tone “Apdi enna avasaramo..” with a cackle of laughter.  Yes, my piss smells like cardamom, thanks for noticing.

I decided to buy another tea and quench my rage with it. The tea vendor gave back my change for 10Rs and a blind woman who was begging shoved her empty hand near me. I was unable to deny her request as I was caught-red-handed having change. As the self-made philanthropist that I was, I decided to give her a 2 rupees coin but accidentally dropped it. She coolly bent and picked it up and vacated the place!

At about 6:30, Mrs Nvbp woke me up from my sleep.

Nvbp : “Thambi, can you come down and have a seat so that Vish can sleep for sometime.”

Me (not wanting to get trolled anymore) : “No, I want to sleep. This is my berth.”

One of the other paattis (an anglo indian) : “He is right. It is his berth. See the person on the opposite upper berth. I bet he doesn’t have a ticket. Guys like him never reserve berths. Wake him up and ask him to leave.”

Nvbp (after shooting me a look of pure loathing, tries to frantically wake up Mr.Hindikaarar) : “Yeppa. Hello thambi.. Endhiri pa.. See, this boy.. he wants to sleep.. you get down.. go somewhere else.. unreserved compartment..”

Mr.Hindikaarar (half awake) : “Chod dho mujhe.. Kuththe saale!”

Nvbp : “Ticket illannaalum Hindi onna therinjikittu vandhidaraanga.. Ivanungala ellaam police la pudichi kudukkanum. TTR vandha complaint panna poraen.”

TTR on that train was a myth and Vish never got to sleep.

--------------------------------------X-------------------------------------

The train was 2 stations away from Chennai when Mr.Hindikaarar woke up with a start. He looked at his watch, looked down to see Mrs.Nvbp packing her suitcase and asked her

“Chennai station innum varaliya? Scheduled arrival 11:05 nnu thaane en ticket la pottirukku..”

So saying, he turned to the wall and started sleeping again.

Game show turns grave show (A special saadha report).

Coimbatore: A student of a private deemed university died here today in the city. The official statement by the police states that he had been studying really hard for his upcoming university periodical examination and was pretty stressed out. Taking a short break, he was flipping programs on TV and finally started watching “Neengalum Sellalaam Theru Kodi” hosted on Ajay TV when the sad incident happened. Doctors who performed his autopsy said that he had suffered severe head trauma from the university exam syllabus and the game show just seemed to have initiated the rapid death of brain cells.

We had interviewed one of the doctors who had performed the post-mortem and he said: “I have never seen such a death in my career”. While this is a usual stock dialogue of the doctors for the past 20 years, he also had this to add: “The brain seems to have liquefied and oozed out of the ears.”

Dr. M.Dharmarajan, Dean of the Hells pass hospital, explained us on this unnatural death: “Students don’t usually study for the university examination these days. The few who study have a tendency to get egoistic and think that they have amassed a lot of knowledge when in fact they have only been reading the preface of their textbooks for the past hour. They start noticing stupidities everywhere. This particular student seems to have watching the new game show ‘Neengalum Sellalaam Theru kodi’ and he simply couldn’t stand the sheer stupidity of the questions asked in the show. That is when his brain boiled out of his ears.”

His mother said “He is a brilliant, ‘top of the class’ student and like any other topper he confined himself to his room while studying for exams. He was studying for this particularly difficult exam, wanted to take a break and started watching the wretched game show. 15 minutes into the show and we heard him shouting ‘Why don’t they ask questions like these in my university exams?’, ‘One crore for this crap? That is more than the 3 times the yearly pay package promised by IT companies in my campus interview!’ His last few words apparently were ‘What? 24 multiplied by 0? And you are giving 4 options for this question? I cannot take this anymore..’ I had asked him to change the channel, but he insisted on watching the show for he wanted to see the limit to which the stupidity of the people is stretched to.”

Parents of some students found this hard to digest. “Students these days have a lot of distractions. With IPL around the corner and the ever growing football games, trying to make them study has become a herculean task. News and quiz shows are the only ones we allow them to watch during exams. With standards of quiz shows dipping to depths lower than the Mariana’s trench, they will be forced to watch the boring news forever during exams”. 

They also posted questions to us such as ‘How does the host keep a straight face while asking dumb questions?’ and ‘Doesn’t he get angry when people cannot reply such rudimentary questions?’ Our special correspondent met the show host and actor Kurya during his morning jog and he replied “Exercise helps me. I don’t do yoga just to improve my height, it also helps me keep my calm and help me retain my cool when people cannot answer rudimentary questions. I am a professional actor and hence don’t laugh on the sets. Why, now I am on my way to a laughter therapy session in the park where I laugh off all the memories of the previous day’s shooting of the show. This helps me keep a straight face.”  

While some of deceased student’s college mates were filled with remorse, others were simply happy that they had got a holiday in college owing to his death and an extension of study holidays for the periodicals. Some even say that the show should come up with special episodes filled with even more extremely absurd questions, during the main semester examinations, thereby brain damaging more top rankers. ‘Lesser the toppers, lesser are our burden’, these self-centred were quoted saying. 

One for RESERVATION.

It was early in the morning as I crossed my area park where fat uncles and even fatter aunties of my locality were trying to do yogasanas with an instructor who had given up hope trying to make them slim. I remembered asking one of my friend’s mom about her daily yoga practise at the park.

“Auntie. Why do you do yoga at the park every day? You aren’t fat.”

“Well. Yoga helps me reduce tension and improve patience.”

“So, have you improved your patience then?”

“Yeah I think so.”

“That being the case, you are now fully eligible to see your son’s report card.”

Watching her was like watching a volcano erupt in slow motion. ‘So much for the 500 bucks every month spent on yoga.’ I thought as I moved past the park and onto the main road. There are a lot of simpler ways which can teach patience and tolerance. Example: Booking a train ticket.

They call me 'train' for a reason. I train your patience.

To explain concepts better, the following will be in Q and A format.

Q: How many types of train ticket reservations are there?

A: Broadly classified into two. Offline and Online.

Q: How do I reserve a train ticket offline?

A: ‘Offline’ reservation, as ironic as it sounds, is the art of standing in a line in front of the reservation office. If you are trying to book a ticket offline during festival seasons, either you must have all the time in the world or you must be retarded. That is because we follow a simple rule: The length of the queue >= the length of the journey. i.e. You might end up covering the distance of your journey in the queue itself. This is the new ‘Pay for 1, get 2 journey’ scheme.

Q: Oh, they seem to be giving a lot of importance for queue system. Is there anything I have to do before I stand in the queue?

A: A very good question, yes. You will have to fill up a reservation form giving the details of your journey and keep your fare for the trip ready. You are requested to have a proof of identification about which will be discussed shortly.  Also you are requested to attend a one-day seminar at Tirumala Thirupathi Devasthanam to improve your behaviour in the queue. If the queue is really long, special queue concessions will be given to those who have completed the TQC (Thirupathi Queue Certification) course. This includes snacks from time to time (2 laddus) and free lunch coupons at the Kalyana Katta.

Q: What were proofs you mentioned that we will have to carry while booking the tickets?

A: The website requests you to carry your Driving license (or) PAN card (or)Ration card(or) Voter ID. This is one of the major errors on the website. Apparently, the people who developed the website misplaced the conjunction ‘and’ with ‘or’. That is, you are required to carry ALL the proof of evidence that you are from planet earth.If you have a child below the age of 6, you are heavily advised to bring the L.K.G. or U.K.G. ID card and a letter from his/her ‘class miss’. Also we request you to have with you while booking the ticket, the original of the aforementioned proofs so that you might lose it in our premises, forcing you to procure new ones.

Q: What is online ticket reservation?

A: It is for those people who think standing in a queue is too mainstream and using your high speed internet for booking tickets is cool. But the real reason of giving an online service is that you aren’t embarrassed in public. If you try to book a ticket online and fail miserably (which usually happens), you could just lock yourself in a room and cry and nobody will know it, unlike in a queue where your disappointment will noted in public.

For the travel, you are required to bring the original of all proofs mentioned sometime back. There will be an additional handwriting check by the T.T.E.(Train Ticket Examiner). We would like to make sure that the handwriting on your Driving license, Voter I.D., PAN card is your own. Hence, you are requested to bring the ‘rough note’ you used in third standard (or higher classes) attested by your then school principal. Our site is specially designed to make even your 4Mbps connection look like 512Kbps. The rest of your bandwidth is secretly being used by our authorities to spy on neighbouring countries. This way we help you, the common man, serve the country.

Q: What is Tatkal seva?

A: The question I have been waiting for. ‘Tatkal’ in Sanskrit means ‘instant’. There is some misinterpretation of the meaning of ‘Tatkal Seva’. It does not mean 24*7 any time instant ticket reservation. It simply means that the seats under this Seva is filled the ‘instant’ the bookings are opened. That is, it means you lose your chance to book a ticket if you are not at the right place at the right ‘instant’.

Tatkal seva, right from its introduction, has been a hit. Those husbands who would refuse to wake up early in the morning to buy milk from the booth are now waking up as early as 5 o clock to stand in the queue to book Tatkal tickets. Those parents who refused to get even a 256Kbpsinternet connection are now moving on to much higher bandwidth (4Mbps and more) since they feel this would give them a much better speed to book Tatkal tickets.

Q: Tell us more about the website.

A: The IRCTC website for booking online tickets is a secure system with SSL encryption which is made to run on a single server located far in Antarctica and supposedly serviced by Bear Grylls. Trying to book a ticket on this website is a test of patience and requires a lot of mind games with the server. The server logs anyone out if the time between two successive mouse clicks on the page is more than 10 seconds. If you have chosen the train, the next page is the filling of personal details. The text captcha which you are required to type on this page is generated from the server currently present in the ‘Mars Rover’. The next stage is where you ‘pay’ for your sins committed on the website so far. 3-D secure transaction with your bank or the payment gateway helps drain thrice the amount of ticket fare from your bank account. After all, 3-D means ‘Drain, Drain and Drain’.